FLAMES TO FEATHERS – Personal Journey to a Pain Free Mind by Heather Durling

by | Jul 4, 2016 | Put it in Perspective Blog

FLAMES TO FEATHERS – Personal Journey to a Pain Free Mind by Heather Durling

Painkillers, Benadryl, a heating pad, and my bed.  These have become my reality more often than not.  My first thoughts when I woke up in the morning used to be, “What do I need to do today?”.  Now it’s, “will I be able to move today?”  This is the reality of aggressive Endometriosis.

My purpose over the last 3 years has been to help adult survivors of child abuse.  I share everything I know to help my fellow survivors rise and thrive like I have been able to from my own past abuse.  However, one could argue that if this is my current daily reality – am I really thriving?

I have a theory as to why I’m now experiencing all of this.  I’ve read that women will often carry the most pain and emotional scars from their lives in their womb.  I also know that for a very long time, I had a love/hate relationship with my own.  I am one of the women in our world blessed with very healthy fertility.  My soul mother and my father joked once that all it took was to see my husband’s genitalia, and I would become pregnant.  Unfortunately, I never viewed it as a blessing.  It was always a curse, and I would often direct so much hate and frustration towards my uterus and ovaries.  Ah yes, to also explain now – my soul mother is what society has titled my “step-mother”, however, she’s been truly a mother to me ever since I was a teenager, and we decided that we liked the title “soul” instead of “step”.

I will be the first to admit that I have been blessed with 4 great children.  I will also be honest with myself, and anyone who may read this, that I’ve also made the very difficult decision to terminate a pregnancy in my late 20’s.  It was one of the most painful choices I’ve ever had to make, and I carry the spiritual scars every moment of my days.  However, it was the choice I had to make at that time in my life, and I’ve worked to forgive my younger self for making it.

I often wonder if these two things alone are the reasons why I am now suffering from this.  This is my new journey, where I will be walking through the flames of this pain, with the end goal of rising from the ashes, feathers strong and new.

This is what I wrote last night:

It’s a humbling evening.

Yesterday was the day to list all of the goals I had accomplished from June 2015 to June 2016. I was rather surprised to see that I had literally done everything I set out to do. It was a moment of awe, and of utmost thanks to the people in my life who are current, who have remained, who were temporary guides or gatekeepers, and those who left me with great lessons.

I then stared at a very blank and insistent piece of paper, tapping my pen while waiting for the goals, dreams, ideas, and aspirations for the next 2016-2017 year. When I ask myself what I want to accomplish for this next year, I only have one answer and perhaps that’s all it is supposed to be.

I want to remember what it feels like to be pain-free, to recall what life is like being “normal” again.

I want to re-learn what it feels like to be in good health and to have the gift of a functional and peaceful body.

So perhaps that’s my goal for this next year. Clearly, I’ve proven to myself that I can accomplish whatever I put my mind to, the list speaks for itself. I’m very grateful for that very clear message from God, and my Angels, to make sure I heard it loud and clear. I’m listening, and I will set my pride and ego aside, and this will be my year of healing.

I’ll let you all know how it went after the next orbit around our sun.”

Now I’m taking the first step to this healing journey of mine, and I’m writing about it.  All of the ups and downs, the humor and the reality, the pain and the pain-free times.  This is my story, and from this point forward – I’m the one who decides how this is going to be written.

~ Heather D.

About Heather Durling

I work with adult survivors from mental and/or emotional abusive childhoods, by helping them to move on from the pain and trauma of their past, and enabling them to live healthy, strong, and empowered lives.

I also co-facilitate an adult survivors of child abuse support group gathering called ASCA Outreach, that meets in Brighton, MI. We want to provide a place where you can come to heal, know that you aren’t alone, and you don’t have to be silent anymore. Please visit for further information.